Rainbow Fuckin' Connection

How do adults find friends? And I'm not talking about adultfriendfinder.com. I'm not even talking about sex, for once. I feel like I haven't made a real friend since college (in person, dammit. Don't go getting all huffy with me, Mack), and those relationships sure as hell didn't last. Plus, I don't miss the lesbian who regularly told me she wasn't attracted to me. Ah, does the ego good. I guess I made friends at the vet clinics where I worked, though those didn't last either. I've tried emailing, but no one has time...or no one wants to bother with me now that they aren't forced to be around me in order to collect a paycheck.

So, my friends are two dogs and four cats. I'm frighteningly well on my way to being the crazy cat lady. I mean, I had a long conversation with the dogs yesterday about their behavior in the kitchen when I'm cooking food for myself. They haven't started answering yet, so I think I'm still ok. But I'm kind of looking forward to that day. It seems like it'd be much less lonely if I could be schitzophrenic and imagine all sorts of people. Then I could just take my antipsychotics if I got sick of them.

I do get sick of people, even my friends. I don't put up with peoples' shit as well as others do. One boyfriend or another gave me hell about it, saying that I never forgave people after they did one thing that I took offense to. So? I mean, if they apologized for being assholes and stopped being assholes, it's over and done with. I can get over that. But if they're an asshole and never stop, why should I forgive and forget? Frankly, most people are born assholes, or learn it on the way. They see no reason not to be assholes, and they turn the sensitive people around them into assholes. In this world, you're either an asshole or getting shit on.

Is it wrong to want to get into a fight so I might get my jaw broken, have to have it wired shut, and then lose weight by virtue of having to eat every meal through a straw? Plus, painkillers would be a damn nice change. It's either that or learn to drink. It certainly doesn't feel like the antidepressants are keeping the ship afloat lately. Every time the leaves fall, so does my mood, and with it my view of the world. It keeps getting dark earlier, inside and out.

Ideation

Ever been driving along close to a body of water, preferably a raging river or other violent source, and find yourself drawn to turn the wheel? If you died shortly thereafter, would the pain really be anything, since the worst part is reliving it in your head? Or would you be unlucky like I imagine I would be, find yourself crashed into a tree, spine mangled but still with a very firm grasp on life? Or slowly sinking into the cold, cold water and realizing that things aren't so bad after all, let me out! but the doors are stuck shut from the water pressure, and no one can see your car from this angle? And you remember the dogs and cats in your apartment, and you're on vacation so no one's expecting to hear from you for a week, so your pets will be smelly corpses by the time the cops are on the scene. Good job, shithead. If suicide wouldn't get you sent to hell, making sure a bunch of innocent animals died painfully certainly would seal the deal. Yeah, the day I find new homes for all my pets, or put them into a kennel, is the day someone should take away my shoelaces.

Now that I think about it, I have several reasons to live. First, I no longer have a geek boyfriend, and will never again have to see a Star Wars movie. Or host a role-playing game part, or a LAN. What the hell's the point of the internet if you're still going to bring people into your house, particularly the smelly, mouth-breathing sort that is the FPS's main audience? Though it might have been fun to put laxatives into the salsa one day, if I wasn't the one to have to clean the bathroom. Or maybe just arsenic. Illegal? Yes. Fun? You bet your ass. And I'd be doing the world a favor. But then who would support Match.com?

I feel like dumping a bag of rock salt in a cornfield. Putting birth control in the town water supply. Razors in apples, dammit! I really AM getting into the spirit of the holiday!

Warning and Disclaimer

While I really don't give a crap what people think, please keep in mind that these are my thoughts and rants, unedited for public consumption. If you know me in "real life" (whatever that shit is), please don't read any further. You'd probably find things out that you'd rather not know, and I'd lose my job or be cut out of the will or whatever other tortures you could think to make my miserable life a little colder. So, fuck off. Plus, if you're offended by harsh language, FUCK OFF! It's not going to get any better down the line. If you don't like animals, you're not going to like anything I write, so please don't comment and make me berate you in front of all of The Internets, as if anyone out there will ever read it.